LALALA

so i dont have too much to write bout today but i got my glasses ordered and i should be getting them soon.  20/40 and 20/30 eye sight.
OH and my mom actually called me today i was so surprised! even though im very angrrrryyy with my step dad it was nice to hear from my mom.
Hopefully im going to be coloring my hair tomorrow i hope!
oh and ive been making a couple more friends at school which is really nice.  i actually got a hug today hahahah im lame.
ohkay im done talkin now peace outt

WHATEVERRRR. :]

"im always sayin its ohkay its alright i put the pain away and let it slide i forgive and forget then you promise me i wont regret it but i do its not right cause ill turn around and let it slide and im crazy for thinkin that someday youll change when you keep on crossin the line "
Nikki Flores.  Great song and great singer.  
Thats my favorite song right now.
So basically i had the most random ass dream last night.  im still giggling about it.  I dreamt that there were tornados and my friend frankie (who lives in Texas) protected me and let me stay at his house and then we drove in the snow and he hydroplained which was weird.  but the funny part was i went to work and everyone was jerkin.  like the dance hahaha.  so then i started jerkin rejected dippin the whole thing.  and new boys was stuck in my head so i guess thats why.  Garrison laughed at me cause im white haha.  :] im even more determined to learn how to reject.  I can jerk i can dip but i cant fuckin jerk i dont understand it.  i will learn it damnit.  
46 more days till i fly home.....LAMEEEEEE. i don't wanna gooo! i mean i do and i dont but damn its such a hassel.  my mom booked me with american so i have a non stop flight.  3 hours thats not too bad.  still doesnt change my mind i dont wanna go all the way home but im STRONG.  i can do this.  ive got support and carrie is only a phone call away.  i wish i was going to be home to see my nieces get all their toys from santa and everyone but oh well ill see it on video i hope haha.  i cant wait to see my cousins and my sisters and my brother and my nieces and nephews and my mama.  family reunion for fuckin sure.  Theres a few friends i want to see too.  Theres a lot that wanna chill when i get home but im just not going to waste my time with.  im not stupid i can see right through yall i know what you want and you aint gettin it.  :D
ive found that i beat myself up on a daily basis over the past and i dont want to do that anymore i think i need to start writing down whatevers in my head thats bothering me save it and let it get out of my head.  that might be the easiest way to do it but who knows.  do i even want to let go of some of these memories? i dont even know but all i know is im strong enough to get past all of this.  i love my life how it is ups and downs highs and lows whatever it is i appreciate it and im thankful for it.  
so im starting to get over my flu thankfully! i hate the flu.  My cough is still around but i sound a lot better.  My mom didnt even call to check up on me but WHATEVER.  i think i should stop trying see if she tries to contact me.  with my luck she wont call me till i come home.  and even then what ill see her once in a while ugh whatever not thinkin about it.  
im really in the mood to start writing but the awesome idea i had last night before i fell asleep i forgot so now im trying to figure it out.  hmm once i start writing ill start putting in little bits and pieces of it.  thats what my trip is for relaxing reuniting and writing.  OH and ive come to the conclusion that i will be in full makeup everyday.  i have to take advantage of the air out there.  my makeup doesnt always stay awesome all day here cause the weather but out there it does so i will do it damnit! and ima wear heels and dresses and cute clothes everyday.  and hopefully ill have my glasses by then.  woohoo :] i have my eye exam on tuesday so im pretty stoked about it.  i need me some glasses so i can actually see :D
well im going to bed goodnight yall. 

truth is

truth is Im confused but im here im livin and im stayin positive because despite being lost the one thing i know is i love my life<3
i have come to this realization. and its enough to get me through the days throughout all the bullshit and the drama the heartbreak and the loneliness i know that im gratefull for my life and the people in my life are meant to be here and if they leave my life if they hurt me or move on they werent meant to be there in the first place. the ones that stay and impact me in a positive way are the ones i want in my life. I've been blessed with this crazy chaotic and sometimes hard to handle life & i wouldnt change it for anything in this world. its from all the chaos that i've learned who i am who im going to be who i want to be and learned how to heal grow and move forward with life. and thats what im doing out here in texas im moving forward with my life on the right path im learning new things about myself and im finally doing well for myself. i love my life 


i am confused about a lot of things but im still just moving forward ill figure things out as they come to me i dont need to know everything right now just the important things.  

The flight is booked

and im comin home December 22nd to the 1st of January. 

Ill be back in Texas 15 days before my 20th bday.  

im pretty mixed up about going home.  idk what i really feel about it.  good and bad and i cant really get thru my head what i feel about it.  im excited to go home to my family but im not cause ihave a feeling ill be left alone a lot.  but im excited to see all my sisters and my brothers nd my nieces and nephews and my favvv cousins and a couple friends.  im worried about being in an area i had so many problems in.  i dont want to go back nd be around people i despise of or even worse to be around people i loathe.  but hopefully the chances of seeing those people are slim to none.  im crossn my fingers for that one.  Im just torn cause im doin so much better out here and dont want going home to fuck up anything but whatever ill be fine.  i just gotta stay positive.  

it looks like i wont be doing much on new years.  my parents will most likely be gone for my last night in cali cause theyre going to be partyin. wtf.  whatever.  ill do some relaxing.  so basically this trip home will be my last till the summer when i hopefully go home for my cousins graduation.  so another 6 months in between trips.  man ive already been here for 4 months going on 5 months.  so crazy that in that amount of time ive changed for the best so quick.  i love that.  

So enough about my indecisiveness about my emotions over goin back to cali.  going going back back to cali cali.  fuck that song lol.  ANYWAYS.  i did a free eye exam at sams today and the lady tells me ive got 20/40 vision.  then tells me if i took my drivers test right now id fail.  that explains a lot.  it also explains why i can barely see at night.  i find it amusing.  but ill be getting glasses soon thankfully.  im in need of them...obviously. anyways im off to bed.  goodnight world. 

yeah its been awhile.

so its been forever since ive posted but a friend of mines blog got me thinkin about mine and how i've neglected it.  So for that i apologize.  and also for that i thank Garrison.
So here go the updates.

• So far i've gotten mainly A's in all my classes for tests, activities, ect
• I've done one child observation at a preschool.  It kind of opened my eyes to a lot of different career moves i could take in the future.  Possible teacher to more than preschoolers? Hm.  Maybe.  
• Still single 
• Wade tried to get back with me for like oh idk two days or something but then stopped tryin pretty sure he cheated and yet i dont really care.  yay.
• All writing for my novel has taken the backseat to all school work.  On my vacation back home i'll be doing some writing...well thats the plan. 
• I'll be going home Dec 22nd to the 1st.  Actually thats the dates I picked out but now its up to my mom to book the flights like she was supposed to oh idk forever ago 
• My sister, Jenn, is pregnant for the second time.  I'm hopin it'll be another boy, for various reasons.  Her kids will be about a year apart.  Woohoo Congrats Jenny Lynn.  
• Im currently working on my whole having my guard up issue.  This poses as a major problem when I try and make friends at school.  But im workin on it and until then i dont really care if i have friends or not because i have my family and my wonderful nieces.
• Lately there has been some judgement towards what my life has become and i want to clear some things up.  First off i love my life here.  Second off i do indeed realize that i act like im older than i am.  I take care of kids and i find anything adorable my nieces do really raises my spirits.  i dont go out and i dont party.  Dont want to and im not going to.  Third off just because i dont do things like party and do stupid drama bullshit like other girls do does not mean im weird or retarded or sad it just means ive moved on and seen theres more to life than that and i find my happiness in my nieces and my family here.  So suckk it bitches.  
• I now have a twitter although this is incredibly insignificant i find it amusing.  
• Some things about my father has come up, i'd rather not going into detail but it has been a current issue. 
• When I make my trip back home ill be spending a lot of my time with my family.  I miss them.  Welllll most of them haha and those who are really close to me know what the fuck im talkin about.  
• ive been doin really well and have been making really good improvements to my life.  It's going to take time for me to stop beating myself up over the stupid choices i've made but im learning, growing and moving on.  
• Im on a diet.  Yuppp im on a diet.  Im currently cranky.  We're doing weight watchers here at the house and im wanting to lose 5 of my 20 pounds gained while moving here plus i want to eat healthy.  and people need to stop worrying when i say that.  relax people im trying to get healthy.  
• Yoga has really done wonders for me and im in love with it.  
• The weather is amazing its usually cold and sometimes rainy and relaxing i love itt.
• I have figured out that the gay population in Mckinney is like slim to none.  Well from what i've been able to see.  kind of really disappointing.  Supposidly Dallas has a huge population of gays but of course im not going to drive my ass to Dallas to meet some right now. 
• Guys seem to be proving to me how stupid and idiotic they are and they infuriate me.  They should go fuck themselves.  Guys with girlfriends trying to get at me or pretend like theyre on a break with their girls how stupd is that?  One guy actually said he was on a break with his gf and then when i asked why he said idk.  look retard im not that fuckin stupid nor am i that nieve to fall for it.  and another guy is in a serious relationship with a girl that i know and still hits on me when he says hes going to marry her.  dumb ass.  i dont wanna deal with that shit i want all guys with the wrong agenda to go away im sick and tired of being the eye candy and the one they want to use.  im not falling for it anymore.  my guards up and its staying up for the simple fact that i dont feel like i should or can trust.  
• Im confused.  
• && I miss the times where my mom had time for me.  sad i know and stupid to write in a blog but i had to type it.  i miss my mom and i miss getting along with her.  before coming out here she said we would end up really close because we would be so far away but she has yet to make any time for me to call.  i always end up calling her.  And when i do get to talk to her its a struggle to keep her attention or to keep her on the phone sure she has time for my sister but no time for me.  woohoo go me.  i love my mom but damn she sure does know how to make me feel unappreciated.  whatever.

Anyways theres more going on or has gone on but i feel ive typed enough.  im off to listen to some music.  hopefully ill find time to keep this current.  

OHHH and by the way just cause i know your reading this right now....  HEYYY  GGGGAAAARRRRRRIIIIISSSSSOOOONNNNNN!

so basically.

im fed up with the male race.
im really fucking tired of it.
i want to know when im going to stop attracting assholes and when im going to find a real fucking genuine person.  i mean i dont really want a relationship right now and all im looking for is friends and to just talk to people about meaningless stuff idk just have friends but i guess with guys that is not allowed ever is it in their genetic code that they cant be just friends with a girl i mean even guys with girlfriends cant even do it and i fall for it every single fucking time. fuck em.

its been a while.

soooo im sorry i havent written.  ive been pretty stressed and not been in a writing mood.
Not much has really changed in the past few days.
Wade and i have exchanged the bare minimum of convo and when i say that i really mean it.  His dumb ass cant even get the courage to break up with me and cant even talk to me either.  still unknown why we broke up but he can fuckinn suck itttt.
Carrie, the girls, and i went shopping today.  I needed some clothes that actually fit me so i got a dress at old navy that is sooo cute.  it was only 15 dollars.
Then we went to kohls which was amazing.  i got a pair of skinny jeans a hoodie a shirt and a pair of heels for 40 dollars! i felt pretty damn good about that one.
Im supposed to hang out with my new friend Katy from yoga  were going to have a girls day well evening because we both got broken up with or whatever in the same weekend.  we bonded lol.
school is really stressful but im trying to make the best of it.
i started to write tonight im not sure if its a start to my book or what but it isnt too bad i send it to my best friend Alex to see what she says.
other than that not much has really changed
im going to listen to the storm and go to sleep
study dayyyy alll dayyyyy tomorrow.  goodnight world.