truth is

truth is Im confused but im here im livin and im stayin positive because despite being lost the one thing i know is i love my life<3
i have come to this realization. and its enough to get me through the days throughout all the bullshit and the drama the heartbreak and the loneliness i know that im gratefull for my life and the people in my life are meant to be here and if they leave my life if they hurt me or move on they werent meant to be there in the first place. the ones that stay and impact me in a positive way are the ones i want in my life. I've been blessed with this crazy chaotic and sometimes hard to handle life & i wouldnt change it for anything in this world. its from all the chaos that i've learned who i am who im going to be who i want to be and learned how to heal grow and move forward with life. and thats what im doing out here in texas im moving forward with my life on the right path im learning new things about myself and im finally doing well for myself. i love my life 


i am confused about a lot of things but im still just moving forward ill figure things out as they come to me i dont need to know everything right now just the important things.  

The flight is booked

and im comin home December 22nd to the 1st of January. 

Ill be back in Texas 15 days before my 20th bday.  

im pretty mixed up about going home.  idk what i really feel about it.  good and bad and i cant really get thru my head what i feel about it.  im excited to go home to my family but im not cause ihave a feeling ill be left alone a lot.  but im excited to see all my sisters and my brothers nd my nieces and nephews and my favvv cousins and a couple friends.  im worried about being in an area i had so many problems in.  i dont want to go back nd be around people i despise of or even worse to be around people i loathe.  but hopefully the chances of seeing those people are slim to none.  im crossn my fingers for that one.  Im just torn cause im doin so much better out here and dont want going home to fuck up anything but whatever ill be fine.  i just gotta stay positive.  

it looks like i wont be doing much on new years.  my parents will most likely be gone for my last night in cali cause theyre going to be partyin. wtf.  whatever.  ill do some relaxing.  so basically this trip home will be my last till the summer when i hopefully go home for my cousins graduation.  so another 6 months in between trips.  man ive already been here for 4 months going on 5 months.  so crazy that in that amount of time ive changed for the best so quick.  i love that.  

So enough about my indecisiveness about my emotions over goin back to cali.  going going back back to cali cali.  fuck that song lol.  ANYWAYS.  i did a free eye exam at sams today and the lady tells me ive got 20/40 vision.  then tells me if i took my drivers test right now id fail.  that explains a lot.  it also explains why i can barely see at night.  i find it amusing.  but ill be getting glasses soon thankfully.  im in need of them...obviously. anyways im off to bed.  goodnight world. 

yeah its been awhile.

so its been forever since ive posted but a friend of mines blog got me thinkin about mine and how i've neglected it.  So for that i apologize.  and also for that i thank Garrison.
So here go the updates.

• So far i've gotten mainly A's in all my classes for tests, activities, ect
• I've done one child observation at a preschool.  It kind of opened my eyes to a lot of different career moves i could take in the future.  Possible teacher to more than preschoolers? Hm.  Maybe.  
• Still single 
• Wade tried to get back with me for like oh idk two days or something but then stopped tryin pretty sure he cheated and yet i dont really care.  yay.
• All writing for my novel has taken the backseat to all school work.  On my vacation back home i'll be doing some writing...well thats the plan. 
• I'll be going home Dec 22nd to the 1st.  Actually thats the dates I picked out but now its up to my mom to book the flights like she was supposed to oh idk forever ago 
• My sister, Jenn, is pregnant for the second time.  I'm hopin it'll be another boy, for various reasons.  Her kids will be about a year apart.  Woohoo Congrats Jenny Lynn.  
• Im currently working on my whole having my guard up issue.  This poses as a major problem when I try and make friends at school.  But im workin on it and until then i dont really care if i have friends or not because i have my family and my wonderful nieces.
• Lately there has been some judgement towards what my life has become and i want to clear some things up.  First off i love my life here.  Second off i do indeed realize that i act like im older than i am.  I take care of kids and i find anything adorable my nieces do really raises my spirits.  i dont go out and i dont party.  Dont want to and im not going to.  Third off just because i dont do things like party and do stupid drama bullshit like other girls do does not mean im weird or retarded or sad it just means ive moved on and seen theres more to life than that and i find my happiness in my nieces and my family here.  So suckk it bitches.  
• I now have a twitter although this is incredibly insignificant i find it amusing.  
• Some things about my father has come up, i'd rather not going into detail but it has been a current issue. 
• When I make my trip back home ill be spending a lot of my time with my family.  I miss them.  Welllll most of them haha and those who are really close to me know what the fuck im talkin about.  
• ive been doin really well and have been making really good improvements to my life.  It's going to take time for me to stop beating myself up over the stupid choices i've made but im learning, growing and moving on.  
• Im on a diet.  Yuppp im on a diet.  Im currently cranky.  We're doing weight watchers here at the house and im wanting to lose 5 of my 20 pounds gained while moving here plus i want to eat healthy.  and people need to stop worrying when i say that.  relax people im trying to get healthy.  
• Yoga has really done wonders for me and im in love with it.  
• The weather is amazing its usually cold and sometimes rainy and relaxing i love itt.
• I have figured out that the gay population in Mckinney is like slim to none.  Well from what i've been able to see.  kind of really disappointing.  Supposidly Dallas has a huge population of gays but of course im not going to drive my ass to Dallas to meet some right now. 
• Guys seem to be proving to me how stupid and idiotic they are and they infuriate me.  They should go fuck themselves.  Guys with girlfriends trying to get at me or pretend like theyre on a break with their girls how stupd is that?  One guy actually said he was on a break with his gf and then when i asked why he said idk.  look retard im not that fuckin stupid nor am i that nieve to fall for it.  and another guy is in a serious relationship with a girl that i know and still hits on me when he says hes going to marry her.  dumb ass.  i dont wanna deal with that shit i want all guys with the wrong agenda to go away im sick and tired of being the eye candy and the one they want to use.  im not falling for it anymore.  my guards up and its staying up for the simple fact that i dont feel like i should or can trust.  
• Im confused.  
• && I miss the times where my mom had time for me.  sad i know and stupid to write in a blog but i had to type it.  i miss my mom and i miss getting along with her.  before coming out here she said we would end up really close because we would be so far away but she has yet to make any time for me to call.  i always end up calling her.  And when i do get to talk to her its a struggle to keep her attention or to keep her on the phone sure she has time for my sister but no time for me.  woohoo go me.  i love my mom but damn she sure does know how to make me feel unappreciated.  whatever.

Anyways theres more going on or has gone on but i feel ive typed enough.  im off to listen to some music.  hopefully ill find time to keep this current.  

OHHH and by the way just cause i know your reading this right now....  HEYYY  GGGGAAAARRRRRRIIIIISSSSSOOOONNNNNN!