LALALA

so i dont have too much to write bout today but i got my glasses ordered and i should be getting them soon.  20/40 and 20/30 eye sight.
OH and my mom actually called me today i was so surprised! even though im very angrrrryyy with my step dad it was nice to hear from my mom.
Hopefully im going to be coloring my hair tomorrow i hope!
oh and ive been making a couple more friends at school which is really nice.  i actually got a hug today hahahah im lame.
ohkay im done talkin now peace outt

WHATEVERRRR. :]

"im always sayin its ohkay its alright i put the pain away and let it slide i forgive and forget then you promise me i wont regret it but i do its not right cause ill turn around and let it slide and im crazy for thinkin that someday youll change when you keep on crossin the line "
Nikki Flores.  Great song and great singer.  
Thats my favorite song right now.
So basically i had the most random ass dream last night.  im still giggling about it.  I dreamt that there were tornados and my friend frankie (who lives in Texas) protected me and let me stay at his house and then we drove in the snow and he hydroplained which was weird.  but the funny part was i went to work and everyone was jerkin.  like the dance hahaha.  so then i started jerkin rejected dippin the whole thing.  and new boys was stuck in my head so i guess thats why.  Garrison laughed at me cause im white haha.  :] im even more determined to learn how to reject.  I can jerk i can dip but i cant fuckin jerk i dont understand it.  i will learn it damnit.  
46 more days till i fly home.....LAMEEEEEE. i don't wanna gooo! i mean i do and i dont but damn its such a hassel.  my mom booked me with american so i have a non stop flight.  3 hours thats not too bad.  still doesnt change my mind i dont wanna go all the way home but im STRONG.  i can do this.  ive got support and carrie is only a phone call away.  i wish i was going to be home to see my nieces get all their toys from santa and everyone but oh well ill see it on video i hope haha.  i cant wait to see my cousins and my sisters and my brother and my nieces and nephews and my mama.  family reunion for fuckin sure.  Theres a few friends i want to see too.  Theres a lot that wanna chill when i get home but im just not going to waste my time with.  im not stupid i can see right through yall i know what you want and you aint gettin it.  :D
ive found that i beat myself up on a daily basis over the past and i dont want to do that anymore i think i need to start writing down whatevers in my head thats bothering me save it and let it get out of my head.  that might be the easiest way to do it but who knows.  do i even want to let go of some of these memories? i dont even know but all i know is im strong enough to get past all of this.  i love my life how it is ups and downs highs and lows whatever it is i appreciate it and im thankful for it.  
so im starting to get over my flu thankfully! i hate the flu.  My cough is still around but i sound a lot better.  My mom didnt even call to check up on me but WHATEVER.  i think i should stop trying see if she tries to contact me.  with my luck she wont call me till i come home.  and even then what ill see her once in a while ugh whatever not thinkin about it.  
im really in the mood to start writing but the awesome idea i had last night before i fell asleep i forgot so now im trying to figure it out.  hmm once i start writing ill start putting in little bits and pieces of it.  thats what my trip is for relaxing reuniting and writing.  OH and ive come to the conclusion that i will be in full makeup everyday.  i have to take advantage of the air out there.  my makeup doesnt always stay awesome all day here cause the weather but out there it does so i will do it damnit! and ima wear heels and dresses and cute clothes everyday.  and hopefully ill have my glasses by then.  woohoo :] i have my eye exam on tuesday so im pretty stoked about it.  i need me some glasses so i can actually see :D
well im going to bed goodnight yall. 

truth is

truth is Im confused but im here im livin and im stayin positive because despite being lost the one thing i know is i love my life<3
i have come to this realization. and its enough to get me through the days throughout all the bullshit and the drama the heartbreak and the loneliness i know that im gratefull for my life and the people in my life are meant to be here and if they leave my life if they hurt me or move on they werent meant to be there in the first place. the ones that stay and impact me in a positive way are the ones i want in my life. I've been blessed with this crazy chaotic and sometimes hard to handle life & i wouldnt change it for anything in this world. its from all the chaos that i've learned who i am who im going to be who i want to be and learned how to heal grow and move forward with life. and thats what im doing out here in texas im moving forward with my life on the right path im learning new things about myself and im finally doing well for myself. i love my life 


i am confused about a lot of things but im still just moving forward ill figure things out as they come to me i dont need to know everything right now just the important things.  

The flight is booked

and im comin home December 22nd to the 1st of January. 

Ill be back in Texas 15 days before my 20th bday.  

im pretty mixed up about going home.  idk what i really feel about it.  good and bad and i cant really get thru my head what i feel about it.  im excited to go home to my family but im not cause ihave a feeling ill be left alone a lot.  but im excited to see all my sisters and my brothers nd my nieces and nephews and my favvv cousins and a couple friends.  im worried about being in an area i had so many problems in.  i dont want to go back nd be around people i despise of or even worse to be around people i loathe.  but hopefully the chances of seeing those people are slim to none.  im crossn my fingers for that one.  Im just torn cause im doin so much better out here and dont want going home to fuck up anything but whatever ill be fine.  i just gotta stay positive.  

it looks like i wont be doing much on new years.  my parents will most likely be gone for my last night in cali cause theyre going to be partyin. wtf.  whatever.  ill do some relaxing.  so basically this trip home will be my last till the summer when i hopefully go home for my cousins graduation.  so another 6 months in between trips.  man ive already been here for 4 months going on 5 months.  so crazy that in that amount of time ive changed for the best so quick.  i love that.  

So enough about my indecisiveness about my emotions over goin back to cali.  going going back back to cali cali.  fuck that song lol.  ANYWAYS.  i did a free eye exam at sams today and the lady tells me ive got 20/40 vision.  then tells me if i took my drivers test right now id fail.  that explains a lot.  it also explains why i can barely see at night.  i find it amusing.  but ill be getting glasses soon thankfully.  im in need of them...obviously. anyways im off to bed.  goodnight world. 

yeah its been awhile.

so its been forever since ive posted but a friend of mines blog got me thinkin about mine and how i've neglected it.  So for that i apologize.  and also for that i thank Garrison.
So here go the updates.

• So far i've gotten mainly A's in all my classes for tests, activities, ect
• I've done one child observation at a preschool.  It kind of opened my eyes to a lot of different career moves i could take in the future.  Possible teacher to more than preschoolers? Hm.  Maybe.  
• Still single 
• Wade tried to get back with me for like oh idk two days or something but then stopped tryin pretty sure he cheated and yet i dont really care.  yay.
• All writing for my novel has taken the backseat to all school work.  On my vacation back home i'll be doing some writing...well thats the plan. 
• I'll be going home Dec 22nd to the 1st.  Actually thats the dates I picked out but now its up to my mom to book the flights like she was supposed to oh idk forever ago 
• My sister, Jenn, is pregnant for the second time.  I'm hopin it'll be another boy, for various reasons.  Her kids will be about a year apart.  Woohoo Congrats Jenny Lynn.  
• Im currently working on my whole having my guard up issue.  This poses as a major problem when I try and make friends at school.  But im workin on it and until then i dont really care if i have friends or not because i have my family and my wonderful nieces.
• Lately there has been some judgement towards what my life has become and i want to clear some things up.  First off i love my life here.  Second off i do indeed realize that i act like im older than i am.  I take care of kids and i find anything adorable my nieces do really raises my spirits.  i dont go out and i dont party.  Dont want to and im not going to.  Third off just because i dont do things like party and do stupid drama bullshit like other girls do does not mean im weird or retarded or sad it just means ive moved on and seen theres more to life than that and i find my happiness in my nieces and my family here.  So suckk it bitches.  
• I now have a twitter although this is incredibly insignificant i find it amusing.  
• Some things about my father has come up, i'd rather not going into detail but it has been a current issue. 
• When I make my trip back home ill be spending a lot of my time with my family.  I miss them.  Welllll most of them haha and those who are really close to me know what the fuck im talkin about.  
• ive been doin really well and have been making really good improvements to my life.  It's going to take time for me to stop beating myself up over the stupid choices i've made but im learning, growing and moving on.  
• Im on a diet.  Yuppp im on a diet.  Im currently cranky.  We're doing weight watchers here at the house and im wanting to lose 5 of my 20 pounds gained while moving here plus i want to eat healthy.  and people need to stop worrying when i say that.  relax people im trying to get healthy.  
• Yoga has really done wonders for me and im in love with it.  
• The weather is amazing its usually cold and sometimes rainy and relaxing i love itt.
• I have figured out that the gay population in Mckinney is like slim to none.  Well from what i've been able to see.  kind of really disappointing.  Supposidly Dallas has a huge population of gays but of course im not going to drive my ass to Dallas to meet some right now. 
• Guys seem to be proving to me how stupid and idiotic they are and they infuriate me.  They should go fuck themselves.  Guys with girlfriends trying to get at me or pretend like theyre on a break with their girls how stupd is that?  One guy actually said he was on a break with his gf and then when i asked why he said idk.  look retard im not that fuckin stupid nor am i that nieve to fall for it.  and another guy is in a serious relationship with a girl that i know and still hits on me when he says hes going to marry her.  dumb ass.  i dont wanna deal with that shit i want all guys with the wrong agenda to go away im sick and tired of being the eye candy and the one they want to use.  im not falling for it anymore.  my guards up and its staying up for the simple fact that i dont feel like i should or can trust.  
• Im confused.  
• && I miss the times where my mom had time for me.  sad i know and stupid to write in a blog but i had to type it.  i miss my mom and i miss getting along with her.  before coming out here she said we would end up really close because we would be so far away but she has yet to make any time for me to call.  i always end up calling her.  And when i do get to talk to her its a struggle to keep her attention or to keep her on the phone sure she has time for my sister but no time for me.  woohoo go me.  i love my mom but damn she sure does know how to make me feel unappreciated.  whatever.

Anyways theres more going on or has gone on but i feel ive typed enough.  im off to listen to some music.  hopefully ill find time to keep this current.  

OHHH and by the way just cause i know your reading this right now....  HEYYY  GGGGAAAARRRRRRIIIIISSSSSOOOONNNNNN!

so basically.

im fed up with the male race.
im really fucking tired of it.
i want to know when im going to stop attracting assholes and when im going to find a real fucking genuine person.  i mean i dont really want a relationship right now and all im looking for is friends and to just talk to people about meaningless stuff idk just have friends but i guess with guys that is not allowed ever is it in their genetic code that they cant be just friends with a girl i mean even guys with girlfriends cant even do it and i fall for it every single fucking time. fuck em.

its been a while.

soooo im sorry i havent written.  ive been pretty stressed and not been in a writing mood.
Not much has really changed in the past few days.
Wade and i have exchanged the bare minimum of convo and when i say that i really mean it.  His dumb ass cant even get the courage to break up with me and cant even talk to me either.  still unknown why we broke up but he can fuckinn suck itttt.
Carrie, the girls, and i went shopping today.  I needed some clothes that actually fit me so i got a dress at old navy that is sooo cute.  it was only 15 dollars.
Then we went to kohls which was amazing.  i got a pair of skinny jeans a hoodie a shirt and a pair of heels for 40 dollars! i felt pretty damn good about that one.
Im supposed to hang out with my new friend Katy from yoga  were going to have a girls day well evening because we both got broken up with or whatever in the same weekend.  we bonded lol.
school is really stressful but im trying to make the best of it.
i started to write tonight im not sure if its a start to my book or what but it isnt too bad i send it to my best friend Alex to see what she says.
other than that not much has really changed
im going to listen to the storm and go to sleep
study dayyyy alll dayyyyy tomorrow.  goodnight world.

Hairrr cutttt.

Got my hurrr did today.  It made me feel better.

Breakups pretty much really suck.
I made a friend in yoga and im really excited to have made one.
and i saw theeee hottest person in class today ohhh man.
im really starting to love yoga.
its amazing the things i can do that i never thought id be able to do

i really love tattoos and im missing them. damn.

i dont have much to say today ive been holding up pretty well today but im still a bit sad and dont have much to say i promise to write more tomorrow bye bye peopless.

cooled off.

so yeah now im cooled off and not so angry.
im actually pretty ohkay with it all
no tears just really irritated with how it all happened.  Im now free to really have my life out here.
Theres some amazingly gorgeous emt && firefighter guys at my school
oh man they are sooooooooo gorgeous.  love itt.
im movin on and in the midst of the drama my writers block went away and i have an idea for a story
now its time to try and map it out
and outline it and all that jazz.
i feel like im in a good place right now woohoo go me.

one of the only things i miss about cali and yes i took this picture.
well im off now peace outttt

im single.

yup thats right im single.
hes a fuckin dumb ass.
ignores me for three days
then when i text him and say so is it over or what
he says yeah.
nothing else.
wtf.
im fucking livid at the moment.

wtf

is up with guys?  No i have a boyfriend means it NO MEANS NO DUMB ASS!
No does not mean hit on me more it does not mean im playing a game with you come on to me more it also does not mean you can get me to crack cause im unavailable and thats something appealing to you.  Just cause you tell me im good looking doesnt mean shit fool.  OH yeah and this is what he says if i knew you were going to end up looking like you do now id would have hit on you in hs.  THIS FOOL.
im only looking for friends and even if i was single what this dumb ass is doing doesnt make me want to be with them it repulses me.  


OHKAY. rant over. 


anyways.  I had the girls today.  Me and Michael made a good team today.  The girls giggled so much and it boosted my mood a lot.  I ended up reading a chapter of a text book that i wasnt supposed to. so that was useful.  as carrie said at least ill know more than the rest of the class.  go me! 
Boyfriend hasnt talked to me in two days.  Idk whats going on but theres been no contact on his side and im not pushing it.  Whats the point of pushing him to talk or buggin him?  If he doesnt wnna talk to me then fuckk it.  let him do what he needs to do and get back to me whenever he can.  Weird thing is it really hasnt affected my mood as much as i thought it would.  Im surprisingly ohkay.  I mean im a little annoyed but im not really that pissed or upset or whatever.  Im just well...whatever about it.  


I got to talk to my mom for a bit today and my step dad for like a minute.  The girls talked to them too it was cute.  Molly kept telling gampa that shes hungry.  "I HUNNGRAYYYY Gampa." Its one of her things to say that and "You come my house?" So cute. 


After the girls were about to go to bed i went to sonic and got my giant 5 calorie lemonade.  i got a large this time but usually ill get a route 44 and thats only 10 calories i mean really? can it get better than that?


I also went to walmart.  With this gaining weight bullshit going on i had to buy a couple new things that wouldnt suffocate my ass.  And of course i couldnt resist buying a romance novel to read in between my school work.  cause as my english professor said its good to keep reading other things because you like it take care of yourself and do school work.  
therefore i win i get to read my books and write and get my school work done. woohoo. 
I rented movies as well.  Walmart has the redox the dollar rental thing and got fighting and adventureland.  its for my late nights i spend looking for something to watch and i cant ever find anything.  Carrie wont be home till like 1 so ill probably be up when she gets home.  


well thats all ive got to say today bye bye blogspott. 

music

soothes the soul.
My entire day consisted of reading my text book.
reading some more
&&some more reading
talking to Alexx on the phone. finally.
then more reading
occasionally getting something to eat.
and after oh ill say about 6 hours of reading
Michael and the girls came home and i gave them a bath.
It was bubble hair night.
Then read some more and took my quiz which i did average on.  I really need to figure out how im going to do all this homework when im so damn confused on it.
then did homework for another class.
Once Carrie and Michael went to bed i put on my music and have been mindlessly doing random things to keep my mind from going to places it shouldnt be going right now.  and it shouldnt be going anywhere cause i dont want to think anymore.  It causes problems when i do so i have ceased any thoughts coming in at this very moment.  im going to be doing some yoga tonight to see if that helps.
i dont want to have another night like last night where i was up until like 330 or 4 in the morning.
that was just a disaster.
Basically haven't heard from my boyfriend since last night.  He hasnt talked to me all day so whatever.  This indecisive thing is really getting me mad.
Talking to Alexx made me feel good today.  I missed talking to her it was good to catch up with her.
well i really dont know what else to say cause my day was pretty uneventful.
ill write later world.

bad night.

i dont even know what to think anymore.  I dont know how to fully trust.  As of now my guard is way up and im super upset.   I mean it shouldnt be hard to make a decision.  When you say something mean it and dont back out of it later and give no reason other than i dontknow.  It just breaks my heart when i believe in someone and start to trust them but then it back fires in some way.  Im glad we're together but i wish i knew what he was thinking.   I wish i knew how he felt and being so far away from him doesnt help.  God this is hard so freaking hard.  Long distance is hard enough without indecisiveness.  Im firm on my side of how i feel is it so hard to ask for the same?  Sure this is a small little bump in the road in the relationship but really it still hurts.  It just throws me off.  Im better with how i react to things now and im surprised at how well im taking it.  but damnit all i can think is make up your mind.  AHHH! i just dont want to be hurt again.
Talking to my sister really helped me tonight and i am glad i have her cause if not i would be a total mess.
 

wow.

guys suck.
they never know what they want.  they pretend like they do but they really dont.
whatever. i just dont get it.  is it a game or is it the fact that they dont know what they want?
ugh.

Soooo

my tooth in the very back is cracked in half.
Of course my Metzger teeth come into play when i have no insurance to pay for the procedure it would take to fix my teeth.  LAME!
It's kind of annoying me cause there is a sharp piece that stabs me and it gets irritated idk what to do for ittt.

Today was kind of nice.  I got to wear my new shirt!

Was is worth the money.....HELL YEAH.
I felt super confident today strutting around school.  I was pretty friendly to these two girls in my english class today.  I really put in an effort to be nice and maybe make some friends but it didnt really work.  The girls were not having my friendlyness lol.  OH well.

I was really restless in yoga today but it was fun.  There were new positions that were pretty interesting.  I felt like i got a really good stretch in today which means tomorrow will be a sore day.

Speaking of tomorrow i have the girls which will be fun.  If its not storming out tomorrow i think a fun day in the backyard will be in store.

I finally got to talk to my boyfriend on the phone.  He totally kept me smiling.  He loves me even if i am a lame ass.  He has such a busy schedule for the next two weeks.  He graduated but now hes doing this special class and its really hard but i know he will do well i believe in him :]  I freakkin miss him.

OH so since when does 'i have a boyfriend' mean hit on me more?  I really don't get that.  It happens all the time.  I mean really when i say i have a boyfriend it means i have a boyfriend im not interested.  It seems as if guys never really get the hint.  I could say i was lesbian, im married, i have a fiance, im a nun, and they would still try their hardest cause no isnt in their vocab.  Stupid much?  Its nice to hear compliments but theres a difference between saying 'oh you look pretty' and 'hey cutie if you get bored i can entertain you ;]' Yeah entertain me? IN YOUR DREAMS! I mean seriously boys are really really dumb.  I hate how they treat women like they are dumb or like they have full control or like they are a piece of meat.  As if i dont already hate men from my past expierences im even more distant now because all they ever care about it looks.  Newflash fools: Women are more than just a piece of ass.
It gets so discouraging like you cant trust anyone anymore.  How lame.

Now done with my random rant.  I found this picture of Katy Perry and i really want to look like her.

Do you think i could ever look like that? I WISH!

My online courses are finally all working.  Good and bad.  Good cause i get to start the class bad cause im now behind.

Well now im off to bed.  Waking  up early to be with the girls.  Nanny D!
goodnight world<3

pretty sure

im getting sick.  and im pissed.  i kinda feel like my head is going to explode with pressure.  screw colds.
today i went with my sister and the girls to the dr for molly.
then hit the mall.  we all know how much i love the mall.  i got a new shirt and its absolutely adorable.  i think im going to wear it tomorrow at school so i can look like a cool kid. bahah. just kidding.
and when we got home the girls and i took a pretty awesome nap.  Then we played outside and had a blast all night.  I even got a hand wash by molly in the bath tonight.  it was absolutely adorable.
Im all sore from the yoga and its a good feeling.  my walk tonight made it just as sore though haha.
im pretty sure my head is going to explode any moment and im not loving it.  good night all.

busy day!

therapy at 930 till 1030
psychiatrist 145-11
went home
went to school
english 230 to 330
got my id card went home to change and eat a samichhh.
then back to school for yoga.
put the girls to bed
and went on a walk with buddy.
busy productive day? i think so.

Let me just say i think the government paid drs should just stop being dumb and do their jobs.  just because they may not like where they work doesnt mean they have to be ass's to their patients.
And is it a requirment for them to not listen to a word you say?  cause if so they have it down pack!
anyways english today was pretty boring she did a lot of lecturing and i wanted to go to sleep.  im excited to start writing essays and stuff in class though.  am i crazy? probably haha.

Allergies are kicking up really bad.  i feel sick :[  My mood has been pretty good today.  especially after yoga.  Seriously the best invention ever.  especially for people who are always stressed like me.  Its teaching me how to relax and thats a freakkin miracle.  Its such a good release and i started making friends in that class.  Hopefully soon ill get the nerve to go into the gym by myself.  Its kind of intimidating to go in there when its filled with big body builder guys haha. ohkay not all of them are that big but theyre all in more shape that me.  oh well ill get there soon.

Right now im watching warehouse 13 and its so creepy!  not going to lie its probably going to give me nightmares.

well its a small blog today i am a little too tired to write anymore.  bye bye world!

i love my nieces

they light up my day!

So i've realized how much i have changed.  Emotionally and physically. heres some pictures:

Prom 08 blonde hair senior year

15 years old in Illinois. 

Prom 07 

November 08

January 14th 09

getting my tattoo done. ow.

Homecoming 06?

Winter 06

Summer 08

May 09

June 09

June 09

June 09

July 09

July 09

New lip piercing 

August 09

New ring (stud instead of hoop)

Latest picture.
Oh my how times have changed.  No matter what i've gone through im glad everything has happened.  Because without all the problems and heartbreak and drama i wouldnt be the strong and wise person i am today.  Im thankful for everything in my life and i love my life now even when i have a case of the crazies and even though im still on the road to healing i love my life.  Im thankful to live here in Texas and to be in a house where everyone supports me and accepts me for the real me.  Im thankful to have my mom in my life even though we frustrate each other im so thankful to have her.  I love everyone in my life right now and i will appreciate any good influences that come through out my life from now on.
i love life and from now on will appreciate it so much more than i ever have <3

Turn your wounds into wisdom

So i'm sitting in the rocking chair watching the girls while they wind down from their sugar rush from the cookies mema and papa gave them and i feel like i need to do something.  i need to do something creative or something awesome.  But im soooo tired.  i went to bed at like 3 and had weird ass nightmares about cigs probably because its school time and im craving.  It always made school better when i could smoke after class or before class.  I miss my damn 27's or 72's.  But im trying really really really hard not to start back up.  Its been about 2 and a half months since my last cig.  seems like forever and a day ago.  damn nicotine.

Never start smoking unless you intend on never stopping.  They start to run your life and effect you in all portions of your life.

Last night while i had insomnia i was watching a show called worst weddings.  OH man that show was a train wreck i could only watch a minute of it without laughing my ass off.  This couple got married in the woods and everyone was in camo hunting suits including the bride she wore no dress just hunting outfit.  WTF? and for their honeymoon the husband is taking her hunting and calling it a huntingmoon.  He bought her a bow for hunting as a wedding gift. wtf? some people really just wow i dont even know.

Watching LA ink the other night really made me want my tattoo fixed.  I want to add so much to it and fix it soooo bad!  If only i was allowed to.

ohkayyy anyways enough of the pictures.

So i have a few ideas for my novel stupps (stuff but sydney pronounces it as stupps)
I just have to get in the right mood to start writing it.  and when i say right mood i mean in a confident mood haha.

Im really excited for football season.  Out here in Texas it's the biggest thing ever.  I'm thinkin about getting a cowboys jersey and i want to go to the highschool football games cause if you've ever seen friday night lights like i have you know how awesome it is.  I wish cowboy tickets weren't so much money or else i would go to a game.

I still need to start my moms scrap book but i am so freakinn tired its rediculous.  If i would stop having all these nightmares and insomnia i wouldnt be so tired but nooooooo i have to have nightmares everynight.

Right now Michael is playing guitar and the girls are watching bolt.  Soon i will be getting Mc Donalds for dinner and feeling guilty about all the calories im eating.  Hopefully soon once i get into a schedule of working out i wont be gaining so much weight.  I may still "look thin" but ive gained like 10 pounds recently and im not lovin it.  bleh.

WEll imm off for a little while sorry this post wasn't too exciting it's been a pretty laid back day.  Ill write later.  Bye bye worldd.

little bit

of frustration today.
In the process of getting better and doing better for myself i also realize how lonely i've let myself get because of my lack of friends.  I'm glad that i don't have any more bad influences anymore but i do miss having someone to text to tell them when something funny happens.  in time i will get friends out here which im not going to lie im super excited about but nervous too.  I get so nervous meeting new people but i am really trying to get out of my comfort zone and be super friendly.

I still have yet to decide whether or not i want to write a full book or start off with short stories.  I have a few short stories so far but i have some ideas on books i could do.  Im scared to start writing a book and feel like i failed if i cant finish it.  I think im going to look into some creative writing courses later down the road to help me.

I spent today with the girls but all day i have had a headache...mostly from the change in the weather.  It was so nice out today though we spent so much time yesterday and today outside it is a nice change.  The girls and i watched a few movies today the line up was lady and the tramp aid bud twice and casper twice.  then i put in enchanted but they only saw some of that one cause it was bath time.  I have mastered the bath time by myself.  It is actually easier than it sounds and now that im somewhat over the nervous part of being a nanny and its more like a natural thing.  I love being with the girls its amazing to just watch them interact with each other and interact with other people.  The childs mind is so complex most people would think differently or think that children dont know much at all but in fact they know more than anyone can see.  Infants learn 50% of their knowledge from when they are born till they are 1 years old. That alone just astounds me.  Children pick up on any time of emotion any bad vibe from anyone they are sensitive to environments and they learn so much before they can even talk.  If that isnt amazing i dont know what is.

Sydney's new thing is to say "My mommy wants me to"  Yesterday morning at 8:30 i asked the girls what they wanted for breakfast and Sydney says popsicles i said no its too early she said "my mommy wants me to have a popsicle."  It's funny because she thinks i will fall for it.  She is also singing more princess songs now.  Its not just ariel if you ask her to sing snow white she will.  It's funny to see her run around outside and hear her sing at the top of her lungs.  Carrie says she doesn't just watch the princess movies for entertainment she watches it as a guide for life.  She pretty much believes she is Princess Sydney.  && Molly has been such a sweetie pie to me today giving me hugs and kisses and all the i love you's i could ask for.  It always warms my heart to hear that.  Although its not i love you its I bub youu.  either way its adorable.

At the moment Michael and I are watching Batman.  Its amazing on bluray.  The joker is so awesome in this oh man.  Well im off to go lay on the couch and relax even though im freakin burning up in here right now.  good nightt!

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

and in the process of growing fonder it hurts more and more.  
i feel like I'm going to burst i miss him like crazy.  Its so hard being this far away from each other for this long.  I know its kind of a repetitive thing that i say "oh i miss him i miss him so much" but its the truth and its so hard to be far away i just want to be able to be in his arms when i say i love you and be with him when i tell him about my day i wish he was here so i didn't feel lonely without him.  when i got to see him before i moved it was absolutely incredible i have never been that happy so i cant help but think of that.  Thinking of that does make me happy though it warms my heart i just wish it was reality.  i go to bed every night thinking of him and being with him again so i go to bed happy.  It will be 4 more months till i can see him again unless i fly out in september.  oh man i just had to get that off my head. i love and miss wade<3

in other news i cant wait to start writing.  i've decided to start writing either a series of short romance stories or go for the big and write a romance novel.  hmmm i guess i will have to see how it goes.  wish me luck world!